[pressgang] Presented in its entirety, Quote of the Day, March 12, 2018

[Kevin Nauta]

Julie: Colin, I'm sorry. I've been giving you a really hard time and you don'tdeserve it.

Colin:  Ah…

Julie: Today's been lousy, not your fault. Guy trouble. Or male trouble. I seemto be completely unable to form a healthy relationship with another humanbeing! I suppose that's why I need my pets. (looks around) Where's the bird?

Colin: Look I'm really sorry, okay?  

Julie: (confused) Sorry?

Colin:  Ijust sort of opened the window for a moment… and it flew out.

Julie: Oh no!

 She gets up and walks over to the window. Shesees the empty bowl.


 
Colin: Also, your goldfish.  

Julie: My goldfish?

Colin: Yes. It escaped.

Julie: Escaped?!

Colin: You left the lid off.

Julie: How could it escape, Colin, it's a fish!

Colin: Right, exactly! It must have been out of its mind! 

Julie: Colin! We are talking about a goldfish! Goldfish don't escape! You don'tsee them flopping along the pavement dragging their bowls off in search of theocean, it just doesn't happen! And another thing, Colin, and trust me on this.They can't fly!

Colin: Incidently, neither can cats.

Julie: We're not talking about cats, we're….


 
She cuts off, staring at the open door. Colinlooks down. Julie stares at him in horror.


 
Colin: You see, the bird flew out of the window, and the cat just sort offollowed it and the goldfish got such a fright it leapt up -

Julie: Colin!!!

Colin: Well I was trying to catch the cat and I knocked over the table!

Julie:  Ican't believe this! I can't take it in! I leave you alone for oneminute...

Colin:  Iknow. I'm sorry.

Julie:  Imean, three pets in one minute! 

Colin: It's not the best way to start the evening.

Julie: Tell it to my cat!

Colin: Well how do you think I feel? I was trying to act all nice and normaland suddenly everything's dead! It's like that school zoo trip all over again…Well, I can see you're upset. Do you want me to come back tomorrow night?

Julie:  Colin, please! No! I'mbabysitting!

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